An intuitive told me last summer that I have a tendency to close up and bind into myself as a form of protection and defense. At first I was like, "Are you crazy?! I'm so open! I'll tell anyone anything!" and then I watched myself for a few months after that and saw exactly what she was referencing. 

It's passive. It's unnoticeable. Probably even indescribable to anyone in my inner inner circle even thought they experience my retreat over and over again. It's a smiley pull back, a warm fade. But a fade nonetheless.

It reminds me of this line from the movie "Knocked Up" where Leslie Mann's character tells her on-screen husband something along the lines of "Just because you don't yell doesn't mean you're not mean." I think of this scene in that movie all the time, because it's everything in one line. 

Kindness isn't the lack of being mean.

Love isn't the absence of anger.

All of these things can co-exist, and exist with different faces, too. 

And once I was made aware of this habitual withdrawing, something that my big, loud, outgoing, boisterous energy was hiding from me, I realized that I was holding my heart back from deeper connections, deeper experiences. I've been standing in my own way, partly because I don't know what's ahead (does anyone?) and also because I'm afraid of what that next phase will usher in, too. 

Then a couple months ago I was in a back bend in a yoga class and felt like I was going to throw up, so I asked the teacher what my body might be telling me, and she suggested looking into the throat and heart chakras. So I did.

And you guys, my heart. My heart chakra! My heart in general is so open but so far away, too. I couldn't stop learning more about this because for so long I didn't even know this might be a "block" for me. I made myself a locket with the words "let go" and "expand" tucked behind the photos and made one side dedicated just to softening and opening up my heart more. Leading with love. Letting go of how heady I can get, leaning more into love. 

It sounds like such a simple concept - to lean in to love - but that shit is a lot of work. Especially when you have a tendency to lean back and protect.

The heart, such a big vital organ, such a metaphor for so many experiences. Cheers to keeping it open. 

Warmly,

Allyssa